** KBarnes **

Strong willed, stubborn, ghetto, yet fab-u-lous. Dreams, ambition, the top, my one wish. Rap, music, the radio, and industry too. That dream boy, My City, all I want is you. The life, the times, everything in your grasp. The answers to questions, go ahead and ask.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Dismantled. Dismayed. Dismal.

:: The Break-Down ::
I'm in North Carolina visiting family for the Holidays. I'm here for a month. I am frozen. Physically? Yes. I can't get the things that need to be done, done. I'm restricted and unhappy. Getting depressed. Falling to pieces. I don't even know why.

:: Problem One - The Family ::
They're bitter. They back stab each other. They add unnecessary stress to my life, while forcing me to put my own life on hold. I'm 19 years old, on my way to becoming a full-fledged adult and I feel like I'm stuck in a world where I'm considered 11 or 12. It sickens me, which moves us on to...

:: Problem Two - The Sickness ::
I'm home sick. I've left my boyfriend, my friends, not to mention the two family members that mean the most to me, my mom and dad. I can't stand being away from it all, because those people are my life. Being here makes me sick too. Physically sick. An old friend of mine is taking me again. I'm trying so hard to stop, but I'm getting depressed and lonely, and I don't know how to handle it. I've cried for the past hour and crying only makes it worse. I'm empty inside and I did it to myself.

I don't know what to do. There is so much that needs to be done and I can't do any of it. I smoked a cigarette today and immediately regretted it. I quit. I promised I wouldn't let anyone down and I did. Not to mention I let down myself. I've been doing that a lot lately. And it's eating at me. I want to be back home. I want all my friends and my freedom...
I'm going to go to bed now. I've got some praying to do.

I miss you all so much. So very much.

--Kandy.