** KBarnes **

Strong willed, stubborn, ghetto, yet fab-u-lous. Dreams, ambition, the top, my one wish. Rap, music, the radio, and industry too. That dream boy, My City, all I want is you. The life, the times, everything in your grasp. The answers to questions, go ahead and ask.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

I wish...

I wish I "knew how to quit you."
I wish I didn't act so damn needy.
I wish changes happened over night.
I wish I didn't want you so bad.
I wish I was over it all.
I wish I could grow up, and stat.
I wish I didn't get crazy.
I wish I wasn't PMSing.
Yep.

Time.
Though I feel like it's not on my side.
Time is all I need.

:: My Job ::
Let's talk about how much I love my job. It's so friggin' rewarding. Plus, I'm doing a really good job. I'm a "top performer." And that means something. It proves I can be successful at anything I love. That showers hope on so many things in my life. It showers hope on every aspect. Which makes me happy. But Monday I have to be at work at 5:30am. This is not making me happy. And I need some anatomically correct shoes. My back and knees are getting straight arthritic. Hahaha.

:: My Relationships ::
Looking on the past, the present, and the future. I've learned a lot from everyone. From my crazy drunken acts to finding true love. Everyone has brought a lesson. Learn. That's the key. You've got to make sure you learn. And I am. But I'm thick headed...so it's probably taken a lot longer then it should. HA.

:: School ::
I hate you. Somebody burn it all down. I'll go back when I'm 40.

:: The Summer ::
I am UBER excited. I'll be glad when school is not a part of my life. Well, I actually want to go to school. Just not a university. I still want to do broadcast. So now, I just want to go to the Broadcasting School. That would make me happy. Very Happy. :) Then I wouldn't feel like I was wasting my time. :):):):):) DId I mention that makes me happy?

Well, that is all.
--Kandy

Friday, April 28, 2006

What is Real. What is Fake.

Was it real, the way my heart melted?
Were the good times the best, like they felt?
When did it all fall apart?
Is it mainly my fault?
Can I find us again?
Can I find me again?
Will anyone make me smile as genuinely as you did?
Will my heart ache like this everytime the truth strikes?
Will it hurt like this everytime I know she's making you happy?
Did I find the real truth?
How bad did I hurt you?
Are we lost, lost forever?
Is this a limited time situation?
Will I soon turn into a limited time offer?
How much longer can I take this?

What I had was real.
What I was, was fake.
I don't like who I am right now.
So that needs work.
But it sucks that I can't do it with you by my side.
Not because it can't be done.
But because this is something I need to do on my own.
Oh, and I will.
I learn.
I hear.
I remember.
But I'm selfish.
And I know that.
I want you.
That won't change any time soon.
I think deep down you want me.
The me you used to see.
The one you liked in the first place.
I need to get her back.
And I will.
Yes.
--Kandy

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

On a less bitter note...

I'm not really sure what's going on.
I really am not.
I know what I want.
But I question what you want.
Do you even know?
I know.
You should too.
And when you do.
You should tell me.
So I can keep giving this my all and more.
Or I can give up and move on.

I don't want to.
But if it comes down to it.
I can.
Because I'm stronger then that.
True.

I wish you could read my heart.
Word for word.
I wish you could see exactly what you mean to me.
I wish I could show you that.
Because I know, sometimes I don't.
And it's not that I don't mean to...
It's just I don't.
You have to know.
You'll have to see it in my eyes.
These eyes are only for you.
Find it there.
Let me take your face in my hands and kiss you.
Deeply.
Find it there.
Whatever you do,
Just come find it.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Cut Throat K-B.

I'm just fucking fed up.
I'm fed up with your bullshit.
I'm fed up with being sucked back in.
I'm fed up that I let myself be sucked in.
I'm fed up that with this pain.
I'm fed up.
I'm just fucking fed up.

We're not together.
You're right.
I'm single.
I hoped I would have a good friend out of the deal though.
But you know what.
We can't even be friends.
BECAUSE OF ME. ???
Bullshit.
We can't be friends because you won't let us be friends.
You can't even talk to me to my face anymore.
That's more bullshit.

I'm not sad.
I'm not mad.
And I'm damn sure not asking for anybody's fucking pity.
But I'm done.

If you want me for anything.
Friendship.
Love.
Trust.
Fun.
You can call me.
We can talk.

I'm here.
But it may not be long.
I'm not waiting for you anymore.
But I still desire you in my life.
That's what I've decided.
That's what's best for me.

Figure out the problem.
Formulate a solution.
And solve that shit.

But don't just "not want to deal with it."
That's a pussy way out.
You really pissed me off.
If you couldn't tell.
Now you know.

--Kandy.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Get Over It.

I'm changing.
Emotionally.
Physically.
Changing.

I'm setting myself up.
I'm looking for success.
I'm over it.

Do what you want.
BLAH.

When sex is nothing but sex. It's nothing.
I just want to throw that out there.
Because it took me a while to realize it.
Actually...I realized it. I just didn't want to believe it.

Now, I'll just fuck myself.
HA.

--Kandy

A Quick Smile.

Yeah, so things are definitely looking up.
The kids who got hurt are getting fixed.
My housing problems are working themselves out.
Life is pretty much grand.

But my heart is still all kinds of fucked.
Go figure.
Hearts and Heads shouldn't mix.
That's what I've decided.
You should be given either a heart. Or a head.
Haha.
Okay, that's quasi....yeah, that's dumb.
But it kind of makes sense. (To me, anyway.)

Logically.
I need to give it up.
Call it a friendship.
And stop caring so damn much.
Kill the desires and quasi-move on.

Heart-ily.
(Yeah, it's a word. Bitches.)
I want to be back in your arms.
Immerced in your love.
I never want to give up on you.
I know it can be a grand romance and a thriving friendship.

Yeah. Talk about an inner battle.
I love it.
Too bad this is what makes me feel alive.
Knowing that you can care for a person so much.
To know that if they were hurt, it'd hurt you 10 fold.
To know if you lost them, you'd do anything to have them back.
To know they're there when you call them.

Yeah. This is real. This is love.
And it makes me happy.
Even when it makes me unhappy.
And if love is real.
You are alive. You feel.
You're here. For-Real.

It's late/early.
I need to go to bed.
I'm typing too randomly.
Crazy kid.
She's insane.
Yeah.
She is.
(Now I'm conversing with myself.)

Bed.
The end.
--Kandy

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I'd Like to Think So.

And You, were unexpected.
But not unwelcome.
Cause you, can wake me anytime.
When I, stumble to the door.
Glad to let you in from the middle of this winter night.
into my heart and my apartment.
A thought crossed my drowsy mind.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are these fingers designed to be intertwined,
while we watch our feelings grow...I'd like to think so.
And I can't sleep lately, it's a problem I've been having.
So come on over with your charm
And I'll keep you calm.
And you can keep me laughing.
In the middle of the storm.
Here's my jacket, you can have it.
It's not as cold, when you are warm.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are fingers designed to be intertwined,
while coffee candles glow...I'd like to think so.
And I'm inclined to shy away, but she moves me.
With our words and our movie.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are these fingers designed to be intertwined,
How am I supposed to know...but, ohhh...I'd like to think so.

Levi left me speechless.
--Kandy

Suprise.

Misfortune.
Karma.
Payback.
You name it.
I recieved it yesterday.

I'm not mad that I owe a special person even more now.
I'm not mad that my world was crashing down real-quick-like.
I'm not sad for what happened to me.
Nor do I want anyone's pity.
It was a mistake. I'll pay for it. The end.
What happened to me will only make me stronger.
Only makes my will to rise above everything that much braver.
I've got things to prove. I have a short time to do it.
Some things aren't going as well as hoped.
But I still have plans. Backups. And more planning to do.

I am scared now.
I'm scared of the situations I may put myself in.
I'm scared I won't have my parents blessings in what I do.
I'm scared that because of that things won't go as good as they could.
I'm scared that my trust in humanity will be the death of me.
I'm scared of losing everything I have. Physically. Emotionally.
I'm scared of being alone. Scared of attacks. Scared that I'll fall.
Scared of what could have been.

And I am sad.
Sad that people can do that to one another.
Sad that I actually for an inkling of a second felt at ease with those vagrants.
Sad that a friend of mine had to go through that.
Sad that they have physically lost a lot.

But I am also glad.
Glad I still have that friend.
Glad I know how another friend feels about me.
Glad that I'm still feeling pretty strong in my decisions.
Glad that I'm still finding the good among all the crap.
Glad that I know I can pull through this.
Glad I see what everyone else has been seeing.
Glad I'm finding ways to fix it.
Glad I'm in the process of learning. Growing.

My Gladness must out-weigh every other emotion.
I must conquer this situation.
I must be victorious.
I must.
The End.

--Kandy

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Question Mark?

Whoa. So I cleaned up my Friends on MySpace. I got rid of some random things and then I cleaned up people, people I'm not quite ready to be friends with.

Seriously, I didn't mean to hurt anyone. That's not my intention. But I'm too obsessed with MySpace. I sit and I check and I check and look for differences and check. It's so stupid. I'd much rather just not be friends and spare myself the pain of bulletins and blogs. I mean, it's not like I'm mad at the person or anything it's just me getting over stuff. I don't need to be friends on MySpace to be friends in person, that is just odd.

And I hate how they jumped to conclusions and suddenly hate me. That's weird, because I wasn't out to hurt them in the beginning. I guess I didn't realize how seriously people took myspace. How seriously I took myspace. Lame. Very, very Lame.

It's like either way you go, you piss somebody off.
MySpace is straight Gangsta Gay.
Yep.
--Kandy

Miss You? Always. Need You? No.

Well kids. I've came to the realization that I do not need him anymore. I don't need the things he gives me or the pain he brings me. I just need to be over it.

Don't get me wrong. I love the kid. I always will. But, right now...That's just not what I need. I don't need someone to belittle me. I don't need someone constantly reminding me that I need to grow up. I don't need someone there to kick me when I'm down. I don't need the asshole/honest quality possessed by him. That's the truth.

So here I am. I'm finally going to be me again. Things are going to be good. And if it comes back around, after both, BOTH, of us have changed...then so be it. In the mean time, I'm free game and I'm looking for someone who can like me right now...not after I grow up. Now.

And things are looking really good for me. I'm optimistic again. Screw being a pessimistic bitch and hating life.

I'm not looking for pity parties. But I know some who are.
I'm looking for me. For happiness. For success.
And I'll find it.

The End.
--Kandy

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Stick the Knife in.

And gouge out my heart.

I miss your hugs.
I miss your cuddling.
I miss knowing you're always there for me.
I miss the love we made.
I miss the love we had.
I miss washing the dishes.
I miss kissing you goodnight.
I miss taking showers with you.
I miss getting griped at.
I miss knowing how much you care.
I miss the smell of your apartment.

But most of all. I miss you.

I wish I had an idea of how you felt. What you wanted. What you thought we could be. I wish I did. Because then I'd know and I would either try harder or forget trying at all. I hate how I like to break down at random times and just cry. Just sob. Just snot all over the place. I hate how pathetic I get when I think about you. How the thought of you taking me back in your arms makes me melt. God, I miss you.

But there is so much more to my pain. You have moved on. You have moved on to someone younger. Someone who gets to you in ways I never could. And it hurts terribly to know she's in, what once was, my place. To know she gets to be by your side at night. I hope she cherishes it like I do. I hope she makes you happier then I did. I hope she satisfies you on so many levels. I hope she makes you happy. Because. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And sadly, no matter how bad it hurts, that's still all I want for you.

Damn me. I wish I was bitter. I wish I could hate you. But here I sit. Loving you just like we're happy and together again. If only it was that simple. If only dreams came true.

--Kandy

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Starting It Up. On Mo' 'Gain.

Well, my MySpace blog has been being read by everybody that I know. And honestly sometimes they don't need to know everything. So here I am. Back over here. Hiding, you could say. But at least here, it's okay for me to blog...because that's what this is about. And I can do it as much as I want and it's whatev. So here goes........

Hm...My life. It's a funny thing. I've decided God works in the most mysterious/mischievious/wonderful ways. He has a great sense of humor. That, I've found, is VERY true. And I don't really care what anyone says about it. I'm finding out that I'm meant for something big. Maybe that's saying too much? Naw, I don't think so. God has me in this place, in this time, for a reason. I'm going to figure it out and show him he made a great choice. Shoot, he already thinks he did...Why shouldn't I?

Right now I'm getting over a break up. The relationship ended 4 days before the big 6 month anniversary. And it has been hard. I've had to fall down a lot, and by a lot I mean a WHOLE F-ING LOT. I've had my ass handed back to me a few times after it was pummled. Yeah. It's been a shitty deal. But here I am. Still going strong. I'm kind of dumb though, I really thought that me and the ex would be getting back together soon. But we're not. I'm sincerely letting it all go because I'm tired of wishing/hoping/dreaming and having it shatter in front of me. If we get back together weeks/months/years from now then it will have been worth it. But I can NOT, any longer, go on hoping that love for me will be professed and we'll live happily ever after. I've got to keep my eyes peeled. He may have just been the introduction...but to that, I say, He was a wonderful intro and the next guy (whether it's him again or not) has a LOT to live up to. Gosh, I sincerely love that kid. Always - Forever.

So let me stop being a hopeless romantic for a while. I'm doing good these days. I'm going to his show tonight. (Of course he's in a band! Hahaha) I love those bass players! And I'm really excited about it. I hope it goes incredibly. I look really freakin' hot right now. I hope he notices. I am so kniving.

Anyways. If you want to get in touch with me I've got an email. kbarnes325@hotmail.com
And I've got a myspace. www.myspace.com/kbarnes

Ch-Ch-Check IT Out!
--Kandy