KBarnes

I find it funny.

2006-07-23T01:24:00.000-05:00

That the one person on this earth.
That I love more then life itself.
Could also be the one person on this earth.
That is hurting me more then anyone else.
Funny?
Kind of.
How is it, that he's always supposed to be truthful with me...
Yet, his truths either hurt me, or I find myself wondering if they might be twisted.
It's funny how I read in a message that one girl wanted him to come back over so that his smell would be back on her sheets.
I find it funny that he told me he doesn't find her at all attractive.
Nor would he want to get physical with her in anyway.
That she is, and I quote, "Not the most attractive girl. She just has personality going for her."
But then a few nights later...I get him so turned on he won't turn down any physical contact.
I find it also funny that he doesn't mind if she comes over and spends that night and talks a little bit of shit about me.
And then the next night...I can crawl into his bed and have him completely.
It's kind of funny.
Hmm...
I think I am better then that.
I think I am way better then that.
And with this information...
My body is now a temple.
Oh...Oh how I will tempt you.
But you will never cross that.
I will be the temptation you so desire...but can't get through to.
I won't tell you the goings on in my life.
I won't let your name fall from my mouth.
But I will let a few simple strokes of the hand.
A few innocent touches.
And a coy smile cross your path.
And you will advance...as you always do.
But the path will end.
You are officially cut off.
And it royally sucks to be you.
You will fuck her.
And she will fall for you just as I did.
And then she can be crazy.
And she can be foolish.
And by then...I shall be so far away from you.
I shall be so over "us."
That you'll wish you had one more chance at me.
You will have lost.
Though you'll never admit it.
You will look at pictures of us and wonder what you could have done.
What could you have done to fix us.
To be with me again.
You will wonder.
And you will hate it.
And I.
Finally.
Will have won.

Foolish boys.
I conquer all.

--Kandy.

I will Quit.

2006-07-12T15:21:00.000-05:00

For my body.
For my mind.
For my lungs.
For my loves.
For everything.

I will put these cancer sticks down.
And I will not pick them up again.

For my face.
For my heart.
For my fitness.
For my blood pressure.

I will put these cancer sticks down.
And I will not pick them up again.

For everything.

The Worst Day Ever.

2006-06-23T15:44:00.000-05:00

I woke up today.
I cried.
I went to work.
I faked it all.
I got off.
My bank account was fucked up.
Go figure.
I'm trying to straighten it out.
I have to go back to work.
And I will not get off till late.
Then. Tomorrow.
I go in EARLY.
Ass crack of dawn.

I miss the one thing I shouldn't care about.
I want it back.
But NO. I. DON'T.
And I'll use myspace photos as a reminder.
I am nothing short of terrible for you.

Fuck it.
--Kandy

Worthless Tears.

2006-06-23T08:30:00.000-05:00

So I'm crying.
And that is lame.
I am virtually lamenting a lost love.
And that is foolish.
Why?
I shouldn't let him do this too me.
I shouldn't be sad that he's gone and I made him go.
I shouldn't.
I should be jumping up and down.
He's finally free of all my burdens.
I'm going to stand on my own.
He should be happy as hell to know he won't be bitched at.
He won't have to hang around my ignorance.
He won't have to put up with my emotions.
He's free.
Completely.
And I'll just sit here and be sad for a while.
I hate how contorted my face becomes when I cry.
And even at this moment...
I look hideous.

I guess all I ever really wanted was someone to love me.
To hold me close and tell me they did.
Someone to need me, just as much as I needed them.
Someone who wants me, just as much as I want them.
I'm not looking for marriage.
But I'm looking for someone who is faithful. true. and can see what I'm worth.
Because, my self-worth is a lot.
But most of all. I'm looking for someone who understands me.
Because that's the hardest part of it all.

Stop Crying.
Your tears are worthless.
Absolutely.
--Kandy

Wrecked.

2006-05-27T01:26:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know the sound a human skull makes when it meets pavement rapidly?
Or the sound of a bone snapping and shattering?
The sound of a gunshot and the bullet ripping through flesh?

That is the sound my heart and head made when they collided today.

Happiness seems ultimately, far away.
But my strength...my strength is unwaivering.
There are things I want for myself that I, at this point, do not have.
I know I must attain them for satisfaction and happiness.
My own strength and faith is what will bring them to me.
I will about-face and reconstruct who I am.
What I am.
What I will be.
Yes, it's in order.
And it's all about me.
It's weird being so selfish and putting myself before others.
I must admit it's going to be a difficult struggle.
But I'm going to stick to it.
I'm going to conquer.
I'm going to rise.
And if I fall a few times, I'll brush off my knees and keep truckin'.
Smile.

--Kandy

That Was.

2006-05-08T21:14:00.000-05:00

Obviously a terrible thing to do.
It made me feel horrible.
I don't regret it, but...
I should have thought about long term effects.
I should have known it would tear at me.
My heart. My soul. My very being.
I just want you to be happy, but I forget my own happiness.
That is no good.
That means nothing has changed.
That means I learned nothing, nothing at all.
I hate this.
I hate it all.
Realization is the key.
Stepping over.
Moving on.

:: In further News. ::
Job -- Looks like I have something very promising about to happen. I go to "work" with Pheonix Advertising company here in the Metroplex tomorrow from 11:15am until around 8pm. It's a trial type of day. To see if I would like it and to see if I can do it. I'm excited about it. I prayed today and told the Lord that if this is something that can be promising, to please give it to me. He'll let me go and finally start fixing all my wrongs. So if this is it for me, I'll get it and I'll like it. :) (If that's the way it pans out.)
School -- HORRIBLE. Absolutely horrible. I could honestly care less. I'll just be glad to sell my books back and be done with it all. And then start paying off my student loans, but set money aside and go to Broadcasting School up in Dallas. :) That's what I want. Or the broadcasting school in Arlington or Fort Worth. Whichever. I want my school. But I want to work on Broadcasting only. And maybe an Associates in Accounting just for the hell of it. Things that I'd actually like to persue. None of this BS.
Finance -- I'm broke. If you'd like to send me money to hold me together until Friday, I'd be willing to take it. Email me and we'll get it Western Unioned to my Ass. :) Score. I've got a certain little fella who needs a complete B-day gift. None of this unfinished biz-nesssss.

--Kandy

Well, I frankly don't know.

2006-05-07T12:15:00.000-05:00

Um. Yeah.
I am so confused right now.
It's insane.
I wonder about the thought process.
The one affecting us both.
What the hell is going on?
But to clear up some things...

:: Moving In? ::
Negative. Your happiness is way more important then my own. I have no desire to move in with you again. Well, I wouldn't say "no desire" but, the one that is there is subdued by the fact that you wouldn't be happy if I was there. Not at all. So...
Do I want to move in again with you?
Am I trying to move in again?
No.
:: No Siz-ex ::
A very smart move. It's letting me get unattached to you. Quickly. Plus it proves how strong and resiliant I can actually be. Would I love to have that kind of fun again? Um, Yes. But will I while we're not in a relationship? No. It's more important to me that we're together then it is to have that connection. That should tell you something.
:: Am I dumb? ::
Nope. I've been over this before. I am a lot smarter then you'll ever give me credit for, and I understand that. You never really had a chance to see the smart side of Kandy Barnes. All you ever got was the smitten one. That sucks for you. Because, I'm actually highly intelligent. Not always, but for the most part. :)
:: Am I crazy? ::
Probably. Shit, it runs in my family. But does that affect me? No, not too bad. I'm actually relatively sane. We're just running on two different emotional levels. Yes.

In other news.
:: Career ::
Interview on Monday. Oh, I am STOKED. I'm going to go in and own them with my personality and craft. It's going to be intense. -- And if it doesn't work out here, I've got 3 more places to apply to for the week. This should be productive. :) Very, productive.
:: Cigarettes ::
No longer own me. I quit. Fo Good. Because I respect my body. My lungs. And it's just nasty. Which I knew all along. But nicotene had me FEIGNING! And stress had me lighting them up. And boredom. But, nowI don't have time for boredom. Gosh, that makes me happy.
:: Hot or Not ::
I enrolled in a dating service. Woooo. This should be fun! Haha, and just further proves that I am crazy. BLAH! Still on the look out for the man of my dreams. And that's promising :)

That is all.
--Kandy

An Old Feeling Anew...

2006-05-02T08:48:00.000-05:00

Nice.
I like this.
I Feel everything I had before again.
A weight has been lifted.
The truth is out.
I feel almost, free.
But, I also feel like I lost something.
I just have to realize that my loss was a gain.
But that's hard.
HA.
So is life.
And bitching doesn't make it any better.
So stop it.

:: The Job ::
WHoa. Things are still going good. Me and a Coworker and some of her friends hung out yesterday and hit up Down Town Fort Worth. Good times were had. And the best meal ever. At no expense to me. Which was phenominal. :) A big thanks goes out to Roy. And then we played some poker. Damn it. I lost all my chips...Life on the streets. It's crazy. Haha.

:: The Music ::
Ohhhhhh My. I might have rounded up a radio gig. Um yeah, I know. Networking is another phenominal thing. Everyone should do it. On the reals life is getting a LOT better. Amazing.

:: Over All ::
I've got a new outlook on everything. And I'm smiling, and more importantly, it's genuine. The pieces are falling into the puzzle perfectly. I'm putting it together insanely quickly. And I've got some wonderful friends who have my back.
When you put your mind to something.
When you want it with all your heart.
You get it.
Just don't miss your opportunities when they arise.
And never let a good one walk out the door.

--Kandy.

I wish...

2006-04-30T10:48:00.000-05:00

I wish I "knew how to quit you."
I wish I didn't act so damn needy.
I wish changes happened over night.
I wish I didn't want you so bad.
I wish I was over it all.
I wish I could grow up, and stat.
I wish I didn't get crazy.
I wish I wasn't PMSing.
Yep.

Time.
Though I feel like it's not on my side.
Time is all I need.

:: My Job ::
Let's talk about how much I love my job. It's so friggin' rewarding. Plus, I'm doing a really good job. I'm a "top performer." And that means something. It proves I can be successful at anything I love. That showers hope on so many things in my life. It showers hope on every aspect. Which makes me happy. But Monday I have to be at work at 5:30am. This is not making me happy. And I need some anatomically correct shoes. My back and knees are getting straight arthritic. Hahaha.

:: My Relationships ::
Looking on the past, the present, and the future. I've learned a lot from everyone. From my crazy drunken acts to finding true love. Everyone has brought a lesson. Learn. That's the key. You've got to make sure you learn. And I am. But I'm thick headed...so it's probably taken a lot longer then it should. HA.

:: School ::
I hate you. Somebody burn it all down. I'll go back when I'm 40.

:: The Summer ::
I am UBER excited. I'll be glad when school is not a part of my life. Well, I actually want to go to school. Just not a university. I still want to do broadcast. So now, I just want to go to the Broadcasting School. That would make me happy. Very Happy. :) Then I wouldn't feel like I was wasting my time. :):):):):) DId I mention that makes me happy?

Well, that is all.
--Kandy

What is Real. What is Fake.

2006-04-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

Was it real, the way my heart melted?
Were the good times the best, like they felt?
When did it all fall apart?
Is it mainly my fault?
Can I find us again?
Can I find me again?
Will anyone make me smile as genuinely as you did?
Will my heart ache like this everytime the truth strikes?
Will it hurt like this everytime I know she's making you happy?
Did I find the real truth?
How bad did I hurt you?
Are we lost, lost forever?
Is this a limited time situation?
Will I soon turn into a limited time offer?
How much longer can I take this?

What I had was real.
What I was, was fake.
I don't like who I am right now.
So that needs work.
But it sucks that I can't do it with you by my side.
Not because it can't be done.
But because this is something I need to do on my own.
Oh, and I will.
I learn.
I hear.
I remember.
But I'm selfish.
And I know that.
I want you.
That won't change any time soon.
I think deep down you want me.
The me you used to see.
The one you liked in the first place.
I need to get her back.
And I will.
Yes.
--Kandy

On a less bitter note...

2006-04-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure what's going on.
I really am not.
I know what I want.
But I question what you want.
Do you even know?
I know.
You should too.
And when you do.
You should tell me.
So I can keep giving this my all and more.
Or I can give up and move on.

I don't want to.
But if it comes down to it.
I can.
Because I'm stronger then that.
True.

I wish you could read my heart.
Word for word.
I wish you could see exactly what you mean to me.
I wish I could show you that.
Because I know, sometimes I don't.
And it's not that I don't mean to...
It's just I don't.
You have to know.
You'll have to see it in my eyes.
These eyes are only for you.
Find it there.
Let me take your face in my hands and kiss you.
Deeply.
Find it there.
Whatever you do,
Just come find it.

Cut Throat K-B.

2006-04-23T23:11:00.000-05:00

I'm just fucking fed up.
I'm fed up with your bullshit.
I'm fed up with being sucked back in.
I'm fed up that I let myself be sucked in.
I'm fed up that with this pain.
I'm fed up.
I'm just fucking fed up.

We're not together.
You're right.
I'm single.
I hoped I would have a good friend out of the deal though.
But you know what.
We can't even be friends.
BECAUSE OF ME. ???
Bullshit.
We can't be friends because you won't let us be friends.
You can't even talk to me to my face anymore.
That's more bullshit.

I'm not sad.
I'm not mad.
And I'm damn sure not asking for anybody's fucking pity.
But I'm done.

If you want me for anything.
Friendship.
Love.
Trust.
Fun.
You can call me.
We can talk.

I'm here.
But it may not be long.
I'm not waiting for you anymore.
But I still desire you in my life.
That's what I've decided.
That's what's best for me.

Figure out the problem.
Formulate a solution.
And solve that shit.

But don't just "not want to deal with it."
That's a pussy way out.
You really pissed me off.
If you couldn't tell.
Now you know.

--Kandy.

Get Over It.

2006-04-22T23:40:00.000-05:00

I'm changing.
Emotionally.
Physically.
Changing.

I'm setting myself up.
I'm looking for success.
I'm over it.

Do what you want.
BLAH.

When sex is nothing but sex. It's nothing.
I just want to throw that out there.
Because it took me a while to realize it.
Actually...I realized it. I just didn't want to believe it.

Now, I'll just fuck myself.
HA.

--Kandy

A Quick Smile.

2006-04-22T03:09:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so things are definitely looking up.
The kids who got hurt are getting fixed.
My housing problems are working themselves out.
Life is pretty much grand.

But my heart is still all kinds of fucked.
Go figure.
Hearts and Heads shouldn't mix.
That's what I've decided.
You should be given either a heart. Or a head.
Haha.
Okay, that's quasi....yeah, that's dumb.
But it kind of makes sense. (To me, anyway.)

Logically.
I need to give it up.
Call it a friendship.
And stop caring so damn much.
Kill the desires and quasi-move on.

Heart-ily.
(Yeah, it's a word. Bitches.)
I want to be back in your arms.
Immerced in your love.
I never want to give up on you.
I know it can be a grand romance and a thriving friendship.

Yeah. Talk about an inner battle.
I love it.
Too bad this is what makes me feel alive.
Knowing that you can care for a person so much.
To know that if they were hurt, it'd hurt you 10 fold.
To know if you lost them, you'd do anything to have them back.
To know they're there when you call them.

Yeah. This is real. This is love.
And it makes me happy.
Even when it makes me unhappy.
And if love is real.
You are alive. You feel.
You're here. For-Real.

It's late/early.
I need to go to bed.
I'm typing too randomly.
Crazy kid.
She's insane.
Yeah.
She is.
(Now I'm conversing with myself.)

Bed.
The end.
--Kandy

I'd Like to Think So.

2006-04-19T19:07:00.000-05:00

And You, were unexpected.
But not unwelcome.
Cause you, can wake me anytime.
When I, stumble to the door.
Glad to let you in from the middle of this winter night.
into my heart and my apartment.
A thought crossed my drowsy mind.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are these fingers designed to be intertwined,
while we watch our feelings grow...I'd like to think so.
And I can't sleep lately, it's a problem I've been having.
So come on over with your charm
And I'll keep you calm.
And you can keep me laughing.
In the middle of the storm.
Here's my jacket, you can have it.
It's not as cold, when you are warm.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are fingers designed to be intertwined,
while coffee candles glow...I'd like to think so.
And I'm inclined to shy away, but she moves me.
With our words and our movie.
Could it be that these arms, were meant to hold her?
Could it be that her head, was tailor made for my shoulder?
And are these fingers designed to be intertwined,
How am I supposed to know...but, ohhh...I'd like to think so.

Levi left me speechless.
--Kandy

Suprise.

2006-04-19T17:56:00.000-05:00

Misfortune.
Karma.
Payback.
You name it.
I recieved it yesterday.

I'm not mad that I owe a special person even more now.
I'm not mad that my world was crashing down real-quick-like.
I'm not sad for what happened to me.
Nor do I want anyone's pity.
It was a mistake. I'll pay for it. The end.
What happened to me will only make me stronger.
Only makes my will to rise above everything that much braver.
I've got things to prove. I have a short time to do it.
Some things aren't going as well as hoped.
But I still have plans. Backups. And more planning to do.

I am scared now.
I'm scared of the situations I may put myself in.
I'm scared I won't have my parents blessings in what I do.
I'm scared that because of that things won't go as good as they could.
I'm scared that my trust in humanity will be the death of me.
I'm scared of losing everything I have. Physically. Emotionally.
I'm scared of being alone. Scared of attacks. Scared that I'll fall.
Scared of what could have been.

And I am sad.
Sad that people can do that to one another.
Sad that I actually for an inkling of a second felt at ease with those vagrants.
Sad that a friend of mine had to go through that.
Sad that they have physically lost a lot.

But I am also glad.
Glad I still have that friend.
Glad I know how another friend feels about me.
Glad that I'm still feeling pretty strong in my decisions.
Glad that I'm still finding the good among all the crap.
Glad that I know I can pull through this.
Glad I see what everyone else has been seeing.
Glad I'm finding ways to fix it.
Glad I'm in the process of learning. Growing.

My Gladness must out-weigh every other emotion.
I must conquer this situation.
I must be victorious.
I must.
The End.

--Kandy

Question Mark?

2006-04-18T11:11:00.000-05:00

Whoa. So I cleaned up my Friends on MySpace. I got rid of some random things and then I cleaned up people, people I'm not quite ready to be friends with.

Seriously, I didn't mean to hurt anyone. That's not my intention. But I'm too obsessed with MySpace. I sit and I check and I check and look for differences and check. It's so stupid. I'd much rather just not be friends and spare myself the pain of bulletins and blogs. I mean, it's not like I'm mad at the person or anything it's just me getting over stuff. I don't need to be friends on MySpace to be friends in person, that is just odd.

And I hate how they jumped to conclusions and suddenly hate me. That's weird, because I wasn't out to hurt them in the beginning. I guess I didn't realize how seriously people took myspace. How seriously I took myspace. Lame. Very, very Lame.

It's like either way you go, you piss somebody off.
MySpace is straight Gangsta Gay.
Yep.
--Kandy

Miss You? Always. Need You? No.

2006-04-18T02:07:00.000-05:00

Well kids. I've came to the realization that I do not need him anymore. I don't need the things he gives me or the pain he brings me. I just need to be over it.

Don't get me wrong. I love the kid. I always will. But, right now...That's just not what I need. I don't need someone to belittle me. I don't need someone constantly reminding me that I need to grow up. I don't need someone there to kick me when I'm down. I don't need the asshole/honest quality possessed by him. That's the truth.

So here I am. I'm finally going to be me again. Things are going to be good. And if it comes back around, after both, BOTH, of us have changed...then so be it. In the mean time, I'm free game and I'm looking for someone who can like me right now...not after I grow up. Now.

And things are looking really good for me. I'm optimistic again. Screw being a pessimistic bitch and hating life.

I'm not looking for pity parties. But I know some who are.
I'm looking for me. For happiness. For success.
And I'll find it.

The End.
--Kandy

Stick the Knife in.

2006-04-15T03:23:00.000-05:00

And gouge out my heart.

I miss your hugs.
I miss your cuddling.
I miss knowing you're always there for me.
I miss the love we made.
I miss the love we had.
I miss washing the dishes.
I miss kissing you goodnight.
I miss taking showers with you.
I miss getting griped at.
I miss knowing how much you care.
I miss the smell of your apartment.

But most of all. I miss you.

I wish I had an idea of how you felt. What you wanted. What you thought we could be. I wish I did. Because then I'd know and I would either try harder or forget trying at all. I hate how I like to break down at random times and just cry. Just sob. Just snot all over the place. I hate how pathetic I get when I think about you. How the thought of you taking me back in your arms makes me melt. God, I miss you.

But there is so much more to my pain. You have moved on. You have moved on to someone younger. Someone who gets to you in ways I never could. And it hurts terribly to know she's in, what once was, my place. To know she gets to be by your side at night. I hope she cherishes it like I do. I hope she makes you happier then I did. I hope she satisfies you on so many levels. I hope she makes you happy. Because. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. And sadly, no matter how bad it hurts, that's still all I want for you.

Damn me. I wish I was bitter. I wish I could hate you. But here I sit. Loving you just like we're happy and together again. If only it was that simple. If only dreams came true.

--Kandy

Starting It Up. On Mo' 'Gain.

2006-04-13T18:41:00.000-05:00

Well, my MySpace blog has been being read by everybody that I know. And honestly sometimes they don't need to know everything. So here I am. Back over here. Hiding, you could say. But at least here, it's okay for me to blog...because that's what this is about. And I can do it as much as I want and it's whatev. So here goes........

Hm...My life. It's a funny thing. I've decided God works in the most mysterious/mischievious/wonderful ways. He has a great sense of humor. That, I've found, is VERY true. And I don't really care what anyone says about it. I'm finding out that I'm meant for something big. Maybe that's saying too much? Naw, I don't think so. God has me in this place, in this time, for a reason. I'm going to figure it out and show him he made a great choice. Shoot, he already thinks he did...Why shouldn't I?

Right now I'm getting over a break up. The relationship ended 4 days before the big 6 month anniversary. And it has been hard. I've had to fall down a lot, and by a lot I mean a WHOLE F-ING LOT. I've had my ass handed back to me a few times after it was pummled. Yeah. It's been a shitty deal. But here I am. Still going strong. I'm kind of dumb though, I really thought that me and the ex would be getting back together soon. But we're not. I'm sincerely letting it all go because I'm tired of wishing/hoping/dreaming and having it shatter in front of me. If we get back together weeks/months/years from now then it will have been worth it. But I can NOT, any longer, go on hoping that love for me will be professed and we'll live happily ever after. I've got to keep my eyes peeled. He may have just been the introduction...but to that, I say, He was a wonderful intro and the next guy (whether it's him again or not) has a LOT to live up to. Gosh, I sincerely love that kid. Always - Forever.

So let me stop being a hopeless romantic for a while. I'm doing good these days. I'm going to his show tonight. (Of course he's in a band! Hahaha) I love those bass players! And I'm really excited about it. I hope it goes incredibly. I look really freakin' hot right now. I hope he notices. I am so kniving.

Anyways. If you want to get in touch with me I've got an email. kbarnes325@hotmail.com
And I've got a myspace. www.myspace.com/kbarnes

Ch-Ch-Check IT Out!
--Kandy

Dismantled. Dismayed. Dismal.

2005-12-14T22:56:00.000-06:00

:: The Break-Down ::
I'm in North Carolina visiting family for the Holidays. I'm here for a month. I am frozen. Physically? Yes. I can't get the things that need to be done, done. I'm restricted and unhappy. Getting depressed. Falling to pieces. I don't even know why.

:: Problem One - The Family ::
They're bitter. They back stab each other. They add unnecessary stress to my life, while forcing me to put my own life on hold. I'm 19 years old, on my way to becoming a full-fledged adult and I feel like I'm stuck in a world where I'm considered 11 or 12. It sickens me, which moves us on to...

:: Problem Two - The Sickness ::
I'm home sick. I've left my boyfriend, my friends, not to mention the two family members that mean the most to me, my mom and dad. I can't stand being away from it all, because those people are my life. Being here makes me sick too. Physically sick. An old friend of mine is taking me again. I'm trying so hard to stop, but I'm getting depressed and lonely, and I don't know how to handle it. I've cried for the past hour and crying only makes it worse. I'm empty inside and I did it to myself.

I don't know what to do. There is so much that needs to be done and I can't do any of it. I smoked a cigarette today and immediately regretted it. I quit. I promised I wouldn't let anyone down and I did. Not to mention I let down myself. I've been doing that a lot lately. And it's eating at me. I want to be back home. I want all my friends and my freedom...
I'm going to go to bed now. I've got some praying to do.

I miss you all so much. So very much.

--Kandy.

Persistence Pays...

2005-09-23T18:32:00.000-05:00

:: Yes it Does ::
So I pestered the hell out of that photographer. Hahaha. I would make a damn good agent. He's meeting with me tomorrow as long as the Hawian Tropic Calendar girls cancel. And they probably will. I love you Rita. (That was so shallow, I take it back, but it's already been typed and can't be deleted.) Continuing on. I'm very excited about it all. Mwhahahahaha. I can't quit laughing. It's odd. I'm all giddy. I'm being stupid. *Regains Control* -- I think I'll post about this tomorrow when it's all said and done. Until then, you shall be wrapped in utter suspense. ;)
--Kandy

A Post of Abundence...

2005-09-20T22:35:00.000-05:00

This is the only space on the internet I practically own...But only a tender few people know about. So here you will find the most inner thoughts of me, KBarnes. Here goes.

:: The Habit ::
Sadly what was once a habit has crept into my thoughts. How can I explain this? I don't do it anymore if that's what you're wondering. I've conquered that part. But the thoughts and tendencies of previous engagement we had have taken over a part of my life. I do not eat like I once did. I eat. I eat healthy. And I eat nothing else but health. I tried to bring myself to indulge in a fatty food (a nice little 100 Grand Bar half) ... The candy bar is sitting in my refridgerator. I can't eat it. I tried. -- I guess this is a good thing. I mean, I must not want to eat it because I won't. But it's just a weird method of thinking. And I can't get myself out of it.

:: The Stalker ::
I've learned that some people in the big city are sick. They don't know when to quit. I can handle it, but it's taking a lot out of me. There is a slight level of stress looming over me daily. I'm so glad I have friends here, they take care of me very well. I love them all dearly. I love being able to call real friends and tell them my problem and then have them offer to come the distance and beat the hell out of people for me. Having that has kept me sane. Without it...I don't know what I would do. -- Stalking is not cool. Making me feel 100% uncomfortable is not cool. People will notice if I come up missing. Don't try it bitches. :)

:: The Future ::
A lot of good things are happening right now. I'm not scared to post about it over here, because I know if it comes crumbling down it won't be rubbed in my face. Blogger is such a good little buddy of mine. Haha. -- Anyways, I've just recently joined up with a modeling agency. Who would have thought people actually would buy my face. Haha. I'm working on lining up my first photo shoot within the next week. A photographer in Dallas is going to see what he can do with me. I'm putting together a portfolio. As soon as it is up, I'll drop the link on here. I'm going for plus-size modeling of course, but I'm in route to dropping to a size 10. I've been advised that this will open a lot of doors for me, so I'm going for it. (I think that hope might be the thing controlling my eating habits. It's just insane...I've got restraint like never before...And it kind of scares me. And at the same time makes me very happy.) If I could go pro-model, it would make me very, very, very happy. But we'll see where it goes.
:: The Future 2 ::
It is looking like I may soon have a job with a radio station. Not sure as of yet which one...But having more experience can only help to further get me where I want to be. I guess I've got so many dreams and ambition out the ass...It must show. Haha. When I speak to people they must notice a drive and work ethic they don't normally pick up with other people. I'm easily trained and damn good at what I do. Employers like that. And by God, I like it too. Haha

:: The Apartment ::
Soon I will have an Apartment. Next semester in fact. This makes me extatic. I love to finally have my own place to call home. Don't get me wrong...living in the dorms is nice, but I have so much going on right now...I really do need a space of my own. One that is bigger then this dorm room. And I must admit...It would be nice to step into a shower and not see long black hairs stuck to the wall from your roommate. Nice indeed.

:: Conclude ::
So things are going well. Things are getting crazy. And it's just another day in the life of K-Beezy. Haha. Tomorrow I get to see my stalker in 2 classes. I really wish I had a huge, buff, deep voiced man to put on my arm. -- Maybe I'll get one of those in a couple weeks too. Haha.

--KBarnes

Had to Pull it Together...

2005-09-18T16:56:00.000-05:00

Okay. The prior post entitled, "Obsession" was hinting to something. But it's okay now. I'm back under control. 100%. Honest. :)

In other news, I think I've found the love of my life. He doesn't know it. But I want him. Hahaha. Really bad. Hmm...How do you tell someone that you love them? Especially someone you know pretty well. Hmmm...There's a thought. That's all for now though. I suck at posting recently.
--Kandy

Obsession.

2005-09-12T06:04:00.000-05:00

Slowly but surly it's taking over again. I'm trying to stop it, but it's right there. No time to spill everything now. Maybe later.

Waste.

2005-08-31T07:27:00.000-05:00

I spent thirty minutes on a post, writting and perfecting it. Then it all vanished. That will never happen again. Errrr....

Dreams...

2005-08-28T18:21:00.000-05:00

So recently I've been having these dreams. They're kind of odd. Well, I mean, I don't know...How about I just lay the dream down and we take it from there.
The dream begins in a convienent store, another randition of it had me on a subway, and yet another had me on a plane, continuing on...What happens is, an unidentified assailant takes a person hostage. It's normally a dark haired lady, someone I've never seen before though, with each dream her face is blurred and subdued. Anyways, as the dream rolls on there is a gun brought out and placed to the hostages head. Now, with each dream there is an exact moment where I step out from the rest of the people, they too are just blurs. I step out and begin talking to the criminal at hand. I beg him to release the woman and take me, I say things like, "She is terrified of you and you're causing her pain. - Why don't you just replace her with me - I'm unarmed - I'll do anything you say - Just don't harm her or anyone else." After talking down the person, I remember something about a "bad day"...Like, "We all have our bad days..." I finally get him to let go of the hostage and I'm standing in front of him, gun pointed at my chest, and I just try to coax him to put the gun down. "There's no reason for it - Nobody wants to be hurt here, nobody is trying to hurt you..." Then something goes wrong and the gun goes off and I'm hit. Every time the gun goes off I, of course, wake up. Now...isn't that interesting. But that's not the only dream I have...
The other one involves a big area. Probably like a school or mall or something. Again a man with a gun begins to terrorize everyone with an arsenal of weapons. Everybody is crouching down to spare themselves bullets and finally he walks toward me and says, "Do you believe in God? If you say no I'll spare your life." But, that's just not me, I stand up (gun pointed at my forehead mind you) and say, through gritted teeth, "Don't spare my life, just pray God spares you eternal pain and torment." Then just as plain as anything a smirk crosses his face and he pulls the trigger. Then, I wake up.
These are some awkward and profound dreams I'm having. I'm unsure of what to think about it all. Honestly, what does it all mean? Is my brain trippin' out on me or what? Hmm...Something to think about. Anyways, that's all for now.
--Kandy

One Mo' 'Gain...

2005-08-27T18:07:00.000-05:00

Here we go.
I'm currently in Arlington, Texas, USA. I'm in school, and THUS, should be quite able to keep a rather current blog of my life. I mean honestly, it's not that hard to type a few random words and give it a catchy title and display it as a post. Yeah. So here we go again. Hopefully I can keep it up. I really need to study now. More later...I hope.
--Kandy

Back Again...

2005-07-06T17:39:00.000-05:00

Man. I absolutley suck at this staying updated mess. Oh well, some updates are better then a year with nothing right? Right.

Things have been going remarkably well. I finally got a new cell phone. I'm still kickin' it in Abilene. I'm going to Arlington tomorrow to be advised and sign up for classes. I've got friends crawling out of the wood work. I love it. I've got this feeling looming within that tells me everything is going to be alright and my dreams are going to come true. It just takes time. You don't blow up over night...So I'm patiently waiting, patiently praying and let me tell you...I'm seeing results.

This post is kind of random I know. It's just, I've been so happy as of late I have trouble focusing like a should. I can't stay on one topic because each happy end leads to another and so there never really is an end. Wow. I'm not sure that made sense. In fact, the only bad thing right now is my addiction to cigarettes. But I bought lights today and I'm hoping to kick that habit for good. I don't want to be all wrinkly...nor do I like their foul odor. Though while smoking them, I am rather content. -- I found out today at the gym the toll they've been taking on my lungs. Unfortunately I've been demoted from 30 minutes of vigorious cardio to 15 minutes. Yeah, it was pretty bad this morning. I had trouble breathing before I even broke a sweat. Absolutely pathetic. So I'm cutting them O-U-T of my life. Health happens to be getting a promotion these days.

12 pounds strong. That's what I am kids. I've lost and kept off 12 solid pounds. Granted there is a slew more to lose, 12 is a good start. The ultimate goal is like 45 pounds. I won't say what that would take me down to, because I know some people actually can do math. But, for the record no one has ever guessed my weight accurately. They're generally about 30 pounds less then the actual weight. Which is nice, I suppose. I'm just straight THICK. Dense bones with sizeable muscle mass. It's all 100%-all natural Thick Girl Syndrome. Absolutely hot. Hahahaha.

Friends. Oh my gosh. My friends are undoubtedly the best. I love each and every one of you. Whether you know it or not. You know if you're my friend, so I hope you know I love you with every little ounce of my heart! I kid you not, my friends are undoubtedly in the "Top Three Greats of My Life" category.

Well, I've got to go to work at my internship. More later. Things are great.
--KBarnes

Welcome Back...

2005-06-26T22:05:00.000-05:00

Wow, how time flies.
It has been quite some time since I last posted and, boy howdy, do I have a lot for you. Haha. I guess I'll just re-introduce myself, cover some quick basics, and we'll have a great new beginning to yet another season of posts.

:: Me - A Quick ReCap and Re-introduction ::
Maybe you know me personally and maybe you don't. For those who actually know me this is all stuff you should have down and for those of you who don't it's like a KBarnes 101 Seminar. So here goes, I'm just going to roll with it. :: My name is Kandy. Some kids call me K-Barnes, K for Kandy and Barnes is my last name. (It took some real geniuses to put that one together. ;) Anyway, I currently live in Abilene, Texas. In August I'm transferring up to UTA. For those who have no idea that is the University of Texas at Arlington. I'm about 5"9', sometimes I think it's more like 5"10' or 6"2'. (Depending of my choice of footwear) Haha. I have a nice thick frame about me, the kind of girl that probably should have been on the defensive line of the football team back in High School. Hahaha. I've come to believe that I probably have Russian somewhere in my blood. It's about the only explination for my "Hoss-i-ness."
-- Other then that I've got blonde hair, blue eyes, and a rather unique personality. -- I've also decided that I am a "Guy's-Girl." What exactly is that? Well, I'm the type of girl who would most definitely rather chill with the boys and listen to their problems then be exposed to the "girl-made drama" and gossip girls like to talk about. I don't like getting caught up in drama and I don't like making my own. It's much easier to be the girl looking in, and I like things that way. I'm also about the only girl I know who can keep her mouth shut about everything and anything. I never understood why I would tell my best friend something and then have it suddenly exposed. Overtime I realized your best friend is always best friends with someone else and suddenly when all the best friends get together, everyone knows. It's a sick and vicious cycle I would rather not be a part of. Plus, I've learned that having secrets and keeping them for people gives you a sense of mystery and intrigue. And on top of that, keeping one secret always leaves room for more, and so you're always full of fun and interesting knowledge. Haha. And if you haven't already noticed, I'm rather random.
I'm 19 years old and can still be known to act like a kid. I enjoy smoking cheap cigars (ie: Black-n-Milds, Swishers...) and fine cigarettes (Djarum Blacks). Though I do plan on kicking the cigarettes, I'll probably still enjoy the occasional cigar. I used to enjoy alcohol, but after a recent "incident" I don't really feel the need for it anymore. Public Intoxication of a minor won't look good on a resume...That, I am sure of. Moving on.
I have some of the best friends ever. I love being connected with people on different levels. Some of us are really close, some of us just started being really close, and others have been there for the long run. To my friends: I love each and every one of you with all my heart and couldn't ask for anyone better in my life. Wow, that was heart touching. Most definitely, Straight from the heart.
Hmm....What else? I want to pursue a career in Radio. My dream is to be a radio personality up in Dallas on one of the Hip-Hop stations. I absolutely love rap. Southern rap being at the top, then Texas Rap, and then all the underground stuff. Mainstream rap is good too. Actually when it comes down to it, I just love the music. I'll listen to anything once and if I like it, we'll play it again. Haha. I think that's enough for now, if you have more questions and all that jazz, email me or IM me. Thanks.

:: My Life ::
So after the long "re-introduction" I suppose it is time to get down to the nitty-gritty of my life. I came out of my Freshman year at Angelo State with an overall GPA of 2.7. Yeah, I really slacked off that second semester. One of my credits won't even transfer to UTA, thus I'll be retaking History 1302. Joy. -
I lost and regained college friends off and on all year, but have now successfully pushed them from my life. They were the kind of friends I didn't want. -
Now I'm just living the summer in Abilene working a full time Temp Job. Trying to get money put away for this coming Fall. I was accepted to UTA and will be moving down there August 19th. I plan on living the first semester in the dorms and hopefully by the Spring semester I can have a nice little apartment to myself. I don't really want to return to Abilene this coming Summer. Obviously I'll have to work my ass off to get it done, but I know I can do it. I've got some crazy faith in myself and the Lord. -
As of late things have been going WONDERFULLY! I've finally figured out who my real friends are and have been making leaps and bounds in keeping them in my life. I'm friends with people from high school that I would have never dreamed of being this close to and I like it. -
I've lost 10 pounds since the summer began and I'm STILL dropping. I suppose my gym membership is helping out a lot. I get up before work most every morning and do a 30 minute cardio stint and then some weight training. I am by no means trying to get buff, but I'd most definitely like to be a smidge slimmer. It's all about self improvement and pushing my limits. Plus, I sure have been feeling a lot more energetic and happy lately. Not that I've ever been much of a downer, but even the most happy of people still need their boosts. -
My parents and I are getting along well. They still wish I wouldn't go to the big city, but I refuse to live my life here. I want to break the chain and get out in the world. Abilene is not my city of choice and I have so much of everything bottled up in me, that I would never succeed here. I need to be among the sky scrapers and dirty side walks. In fact, I like to compare myself to a sky scraper. I mean, right now I'm only laying down the cement of the foundation, but shortly I'll begin to put my steel frame together, I've just got to figure out how high I want to go. I suppose the sky is the limit, but right now a good 20 stories would be nice. -
I turned 19 June 15th. The night afterwards was intense. Let's just say I spent some time in the pokey, that changed my life. I never want to be what I was that night and it took that experience to open my eyes. I'm done with alcohol. For Good. I'm so much older now then I was a few months ago, sometimes it scares me. Not physically of course, but mentally I've grown immeasurable fathoms.
Other then that not much is going on. I suppose I'll post again soon. I don't want to leave this alone for months at a time again. I always feel much better when I post, just to get things off my chest. It's wonderful. I'll be back again real soon. Until then, email me or IM me.

kbarnes325@hotmail.com
AIM: xxSweetWinexx

Much Love.
--KBarnes

Oh the Weekend...

2005-04-11T20:17:00.000-05:00

So it was a wild and crazy weekend full of road trips and things of that nature. I truly did enjoy it though. At one point I was driving as sheets of rain fell upon Kel's Cavelier and couldn't see neither of the lines. Then I exited and didn't even know it. It was great fun. We even got hailed on. I thoroughly enjoyed it. We were in Denton on I35 creepin' at 10 mph. You don't get to do that every day.

:: David ::
Everybody who takes the time to listen to my story says, give it up. Thus, that relationship is OVER with. It's a shame I enjoyed what I had with him. Another shame, other then his pathological lying, he could have been the man of my dreams. Whatever. I'm sure there's someone even better then him out there waiting for me. I didn't even have enough time to "fall in love" with him. Though, it's sad to say I don't think I could have ever even got to that point. I was so much in lust there was no room for love. I don't think I ever felt an inkling of love when I was with him. Sure I "liked" him, but there was no love...none at all. So now, I'm single as ever, yet again.

:: Tattoo ::
Oh my goodness. My tattoo is so hot. Hahahaha. I'm so proud of it. Everybody needs to get one. Go out today and DO IT.

:: School ::
OH MY GAWD. I'm so ready to be done with this BS. The second week of May I'm going to N.C. to live with my Sister for the Summer. I'm going to work and hustle hard. Then I'm going to come back to Texas around Fall for school. Where? Good question. It's lookin' like I might play the CJC game for a semester or two. Why? Because I don't want to stay at Angelo. I don't really know where I want to go. CJC is way cheaper. I need to save money to get to Dallas. We're talking by 2007 I'm going to have an apartment up there. I'm going to go insane if I don't get there. Fo Real.

"...I'm icy, so icy..."

--KBarnes

Hmmm...

2005-04-07T11:19:00.000-05:00

This morning, I opened my eyes and nearly fell out of bed. It was 9:40am. I missed both my classes today. Completely overslept. That is terrible. I'm turning out to be the worst college kid ever. This weeks been, overall, a good week. BUT DAMN. It's had it's pitfalls too. I mean, I wasn't prepared for the talent show, I overslept today, there's been a few days that people have pissed me off. Hmm...We won't reflect too hard on the week though. No point. -- Still unsure as to what I'm going to be doing this weekend. Tomorrow is Friday though, and that's what really matters. Haha. Just have an 8 o'clock-er and then I'm done for the day. That sounds beautiful.

I've decided my current favorite song is from The Massacre, "Just a Lil Bit." I'm pretty sure if they'd remix it that it would go crazy in the clubs. It's not quite fast enough to be a club bangin' hit, but...I'd bet some money somebody screws wit it and turns it into one. Shoot, if I had the equipment, knowledge and skill I'd remix it. Haha. I want to be a D.J. I think that would be some crazy cool shit. D.J. K. or D.J. Kandy, maybe D.J. K.B. ... You know, whatever. Haha. We'll see, we'll see...

I guess that's enough.
--KBarnes

"...My neck, my wrists, my ears is froze..."

Oh what a Day.

2005-04-06T23:42:00.000-05:00

So I went all of this week thinking that the ASU Talent Show was on Thursday the 8th. Funny thing there is no Thursday the 8th in April 2005 and every poster on the ASU campus clearly states "Talent Show April 6th." Well. After a stunned realization as the UCPC coordinator called me and then some futal attempts at hitting crazy notes such as a high C-sharp at a moments notice, I just gave it up. I did not perform in the talent show. I'm a little bummed, but it is my own stupid fault. I wish I was more organized, had I been, I would have known what the hell was going on. I'm a little depressed that I didn't get to sing. And I feel like I let everyone down. I didn't mean to let y'all down, honest. I really need to get my shit together.

Other then that, things are still going well. I'm officially about one grand in debt. It's a lovely feeling. To have all these things that I want, yet know I can't afford them. Yep, it's great for the soul. Lucky for me I only need about 3 weeks and a steady job to pay that off. I'll work on it this summer. In the mean time, I'll just enjoy living the high life. Haha.

Much Love.
--KBarnes

Good Morning...

2005-04-06T06:49:00.000-05:00

Just got up and out of the shower. I love getting up early and getting the day started. Currently my sleeping schedule is kind of messed up though. I'm on this kick where I go to bed at around 1 or 2 am and wake up promptly at 6am, then I have another burst of sleep from about noon to 3pm. It's definitely beginning to mess with my mind. I keep thinking days are passing by quickly, but they're not. It's rather interesting. Like I could have swore that yesterday was Wednesday, but by looking at my calendar here...I'd say I was wrong.

Today seems like it will be a somewhat uninteresting day. It fits perfectly in the dull lull of life that has currently laid itself in my path. I've got an 8am class. Then I'll go and enjoy a nice breakfast. Then practice for the talent show. Follow that up with a quick nap. Get up and go work out like an insane fat kid. Then find something to do to keep me out of trouble. Then go back to sleep. Maybe something will happen that takes care of this "mundane-ness" striking with awful vengence on my life and if it doesn't, I suppose I'll survive because I've only got a few more weeks of this.

Oh my goodness. Yesterday we got our Psychology Exams back. Well, I won't lie, while I did study, I didn't study very hard and it was more of a quick review of the material. I came out with an 88. A friend of mine, who studied like crazy busted out with a 76 and was ever so slightly bitter about the situation. See, the thing is, while I didn't study hard, most of the material strikes me as common sense. For some reason that psychology mess just clicks. I sat through the test, freaking out because I didn't know "for sure" answers, then sat there and selected the logical answer. Maybe I didn't deserve that grade, but I'm not a flaming idiot and I do comprehend the material very well, even if I act like a total goof-off in that class. Too bad high B's don't come that easy in my other classes.

Guess that's it.
--KBarnes

Relocating...

2005-04-04T23:44:00.000-05:00

Well. Xanga hasn't been as entertaining as I had hoped lately. I've decided to relocate my posts back to their original site. The one that no one used to know about. I've consequently deleted all my old posts, or rather, hid them from prying eyes. Fun, fun. I think you'll all like my posts over here though, see, in this area ANYONE can leave comments. None of that "only members" B.S. It's not fair that you have to sign up to say 'whatcha' gotta say. I'm all about advocating the freedom of speech (nearly as much as tattoos) even if I don't want to hear what you've got. So comment away punks.

School has been a dull blur lately. We've been laid off at work. I'm just ready for the semester to be over so that I can go to Lene-town and work like an illegal immigrant all summer. I'm hoping to put away a few grand. We're talking 2 to 3 jobs. I'm going to hussle hard. It'll probably get ugly. Or maybe it'll be beautiful. Hard to say. Plans are starting to come together and I'm starting to lay down a few bricks in the wall of my future. We're starting the base of a sky-scraper folks, it's going to be INTENSE. I think you'll be glad, at some point in your life, that you knew me. That goes for everyone. Even the haters. (I show love, even if you ain't show love back.) Yea, Dat's me. Haha, but I show some hate too. Haha.

I had some blood work done today. That's always fun, especially when they can't find your vein or it does that lovely roll-over trick. Fun. It's all a part of my "Nickle to Dime Scheme." The one everyone has heard very little about lately. Anyways, most of my numbers were looking good. I've got to do some work on my HDL Cholesterol, it's a smidge low, and then I've got to do some work on my LDL, it was borderline. My overall Cholesterol and Triglycerides were perfect though, my blood pressure was also good. The next thing I'm thinking about getting done is a Percent Body Fat measurement. If you bust out your local BMI chart and I give you my stats, it ain't pretty, in fact I'm considered "OBESE" in the crimson area of DEATH on the chart. Haha. If you know me, I hope to God you don't think I fall in that category. I may be thick...but damn, Obese? I'm trying to present myself with sizeable weight loss with out hurting my body. It's kind of tricky. Especially when you've experimented with some HIGHLY unhealthy ways of weightloss but got results. Interesting. Hmm...

I suppose that's enough for now. More posts to come.
--KBarnes

** KBarnes **