** KBarnes **

Strong willed, stubborn, ghetto, yet fab-u-lous. Dreams, ambition, the top, my one wish. Rap, music, the radio, and industry too. That dream boy, My City, all I want is you. The life, the times, everything in your grasp. The answers to questions, go ahead and ask.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Wrecked.

Does anyone know the sound a human skull makes when it meets pavement rapidly?
Or the sound of a bone snapping and shattering?
The sound of a gunshot and the bullet ripping through flesh?

That is the sound my heart and head made when they collided today.

Happiness seems ultimately, far away.
But my strength...my strength is unwaivering.
There are things I want for myself that I, at this point, do not have.
I know I must attain them for satisfaction and happiness.
My own strength and faith is what will bring them to me.
I will about-face and reconstruct who I am.
What I am.
What I will be.
Yes, it's in order.
And it's all about me.
It's weird being so selfish and putting myself before others.
I must admit it's going to be a difficult struggle.
But I'm going to stick to it.
I'm going to conquer.
I'm going to rise.
And if I fall a few times, I'll brush off my knees and keep truckin'.
Smile.

--Kandy

Monday, May 08, 2006

That Was.

Obviously a terrible thing to do.
It made me feel horrible.
I don't regret it, but...
I should have thought about long term effects.
I should have known it would tear at me.
My heart. My soul. My very being.
I just want you to be happy, but I forget my own happiness.
That is no good.
That means nothing has changed.
That means I learned nothing, nothing at all.
I hate this.
I hate it all.
Realization is the key.
Stepping over.
Moving on.

:: In further News. ::
Job -- Looks like I have something very promising about to happen. I go to "work" with Pheonix Advertising company here in the Metroplex tomorrow from 11:15am until around 8pm. It's a trial type of day. To see if I would like it and to see if I can do it. I'm excited about it. I prayed today and told the Lord that if this is something that can be promising, to please give it to me. He'll let me go and finally start fixing all my wrongs. So if this is it for me, I'll get it and I'll like it. :) (If that's the way it pans out.)
School -- HORRIBLE. Absolutely horrible. I could honestly care less. I'll just be glad to sell my books back and be done with it all. And then start paying off my student loans, but set money aside and go to Broadcasting School up in Dallas. :) That's what I want. Or the broadcasting school in Arlington or Fort Worth. Whichever. I want my school. But I want to work on Broadcasting only. And maybe an Associates in Accounting just for the hell of it. Things that I'd actually like to persue. None of this BS.
Finance -- I'm broke. If you'd like to send me money to hold me together until Friday, I'd be willing to take it. Email me and we'll get it Western Unioned to my Ass. :) Score. I've got a certain little fella who needs a complete B-day gift. None of this unfinished biz-nesssss.

--Kandy

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Well, I frankly don't know.

Um. Yeah.
I am so confused right now.
It's insane.
I wonder about the thought process.
The one affecting us both.
What the hell is going on?
But to clear up some things...

:: Moving In? ::
Negative. Your happiness is way more important then my own. I have no desire to move in with you again. Well, I wouldn't say "no desire" but, the one that is there is subdued by the fact that you wouldn't be happy if I was there. Not at all. So...
Do I want to move in again with you?
Am I trying to move in again?
No.
:: No Siz-ex ::
A very smart move. It's letting me get unattached to you. Quickly. Plus it proves how strong and resiliant I can actually be. Would I love to have that kind of fun again? Um, Yes. But will I while we're not in a relationship? No. It's more important to me that we're together then it is to have that connection. That should tell you something.
:: Am I dumb? ::
Nope. I've been over this before. I am a lot smarter then you'll ever give me credit for, and I understand that. You never really had a chance to see the smart side of Kandy Barnes. All you ever got was the smitten one. That sucks for you. Because, I'm actually highly intelligent. Not always, but for the most part. :)
:: Am I crazy? ::
Probably. Shit, it runs in my family. But does that affect me? No, not too bad. I'm actually relatively sane. We're just running on two different emotional levels. Yes.

In other news.
:: Career ::
Interview on Monday. Oh, I am STOKED. I'm going to go in and own them with my personality and craft. It's going to be intense. -- And if it doesn't work out here, I've got 3 more places to apply to for the week. This should be productive. :) Very, productive.
:: Cigarettes ::
No longer own me. I quit. Fo Good. Because I respect my body. My lungs. And it's just nasty. Which I knew all along. But nicotene had me FEIGNING! And stress had me lighting them up. And boredom. But, nowI don't have time for boredom. Gosh, that makes me happy.
:: Hot or Not ::
I enrolled in a dating service. Woooo. This should be fun! Haha, and just further proves that I am crazy. BLAH! Still on the look out for the man of my dreams. And that's promising :)

That is all.
--Kandy

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

An Old Feeling Anew...

Nice.
I like this.
I Feel everything I had before again.
A weight has been lifted.
The truth is out.
I feel almost, free.
But, I also feel like I lost something.
I just have to realize that my loss was a gain.
But that's hard.
HA.
So is life.
And bitching doesn't make it any better.
So stop it.

:: The Job ::
WHoa. Things are still going good. Me and a Coworker and some of her friends hung out yesterday and hit up Down Town Fort Worth. Good times were had. And the best meal ever. At no expense to me. Which was phenominal. :) A big thanks goes out to Roy. And then we played some poker. Damn it. I lost all my chips...Life on the streets. It's crazy. Haha.

:: The Music ::
Ohhhhhh My. I might have rounded up a radio gig. Um yeah, I know. Networking is another phenominal thing. Everyone should do it. On the reals life is getting a LOT better. Amazing.

:: Over All ::
I've got a new outlook on everything. And I'm smiling, and more importantly, it's genuine. The pieces are falling into the puzzle perfectly. I'm putting it together insanely quickly. And I've got some wonderful friends who have my back.
When you put your mind to something.
When you want it with all your heart.
You get it.
Just don't miss your opportunities when they arise.
And never let a good one walk out the door.

--Kandy.